This post is a transcript of an episode of my podcast, “Women Who Know.” This episode originally aired on October 5, 2022.
Hello my friends! I hope you all had an awesome weekend! Mine was filled with General Conference, and it was so good! I love listening to General Conference. There always seem to be main themes throughout conference, and I love trying to find them. They’re probably all different for each person too – that’s the amazing thing about the Holy Ghost! For me, the themes I noticed were to have charity – especially loving God and loving our neighbor, the importance of temple attendance, the importance of getting to know Jesus Christ and taking charge of our testimony of Him, and being in the world but not of the world. What about you guys? What themes did you notice from conference?
Alright, today I want to talk about something that is so important to me. I think this will probably be one of the most important topics that I talk about on this podcast so it deserves whatever time it takes!
overwhelming emotions
I just want to start with a little back story as to why this episode is so important to me. When I was a kid, I had really big emotions, and I was never really sure what to do with them – maybe you guys can relate. Obviously this applies to young children, but I am talking about even when I was an older child and my teenage years. Oftentimes my anger or sadness would feel so overwhelming, and I felt a total lack of control over my emotions. As many kids do, I learned unhealthy coping mechanisms and ways to suppress and hide those emotions and appear fine outwardly.
faith and happiness
So skip forward to when I am a teenager, and I attended seminary at my high school. I remember a lot of the lessons throughout those years were about how we can be happy and grateful, even during really difficult trials and times of life. I desperately wanted to know how to do this because I felt like my circumstances completely controlled my emotions. It was so hard for me to think about anything else and pull myself out of those negative thoughts and emotions. I loved those lessons, but I felt like the only way we were told how to be happy and grateful during difficult times was through faith in Jesus Christ. Now, don’t get me wrong here – having faith in Jesus Christ 1000% strengthens us through our trials and gives us hope. Faith brings so much joy. But it was difficult for me to grasp the concept of faith being the key to happiness despite my circumstances. And, when I wasn’t able to be happy despite my circumstances, I would blame myself for not having enough faith because if I had had enough faith, I would’ve been happy no matter what.
So, I tried to find another answer as to how to be happy in any circumstance. A lot of the lessons I mentioned before also talked about how our happiness is tied to our agency. I thought, there’s my answer! I just have to choose to be happy in any circumstances! But then, when I couldn’t, I once again beat myself up and figured I just wasn’t positive enough or strong enough or faithful enough. Each of these discoveries – that I could be happy in any circumstance through faith and that happiness is a choice – were not wrong, but they aren’t exactly the full picture. Yes, we can choose happiness. But the real question is: how do we choose to be happy, no matter our circumstances? How do we choose an attitude of gratitude, even when circumstances are terrible?
better than happy
About 3 years ago, after over a decade of searching for an answer to this question, I came across a podcast called Better than Happy by a woman named Jody Moore. I started listening to her podcast, and she had an answer that seemed so simple but that I felt was finally the answer I was looking for. It all starts with our thoughts! Jody Moore is a life coach, and she teaches something called “The Model” that I am not certified to teach because I am not a certified life coach, but I will tell you what I know about it. The acronym for the model is CTFAR. The letters stand for circumstance, thought, feeling, action, and result. So the C is for circumstance, and Jody says that a true circumstance is something that can be proven in a court of law. Like, you can’t just say “my neighbor is rude” and call that a circumstance. That is just a thought. Instead, it has to be a fact, like “my neighbor put his trash in my garbage can without asking me.” That is a circumstance because it’s just the facts – we haven’t added opinions or drama to it. Then comes T, your thought about the circumstance. So if your neighbor put his trash in your garbage can without asking, you might think, “My neighbor is so disrespectful of me and my property.” That is actually just your thought about the circumstance. That thought evokes a feeling, which will most likely be something negative like resentment or anger, and that feeling leads to an action, which leads to a result.
Okay, so after that basic rundown of the model, it’s important to note that you cannot always control or change circumstances. But you CAN control and change your thoughts. That is where agency comes in. And that was my answer! My thoughts create my feelings, and I create my thoughts. I choose what thoughts get to stay and which go, and that is how I can create my feelings. As I realized how powerful our thoughts can be, everything sort of fell into place. I think that God has told us in the scriptures how powerful our minds and thoughts are. In Jacob 3:2, Jacob says, “O all ye that are pure in heart, lift up your heads and receive the pleasing word of God, and feast upon his love; for ye may, if your minds are firm, forever.” In Alma 57, verse 27 is a description of the stripling warriors. It says, “…they are young, and their minds are firm, and they do put their trust in God continually.” In 2 Timothy 1:7, it reads, “For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.”
choose thoughts wisely
When I’ve read these verses in the past, I always thought of having a firm mind or a sound mind as just not losing your faith or being able to stick to a decision. But I feel like there is more meaning to it. I think having a firm mind also means we are able to manage our thoughts, and that we are in control of which thoughts take hold and which thoughts we let go of. Elder Holland talks about thoughts in this way: “Like thieves in the night, unwelcome thoughts can and do seek entrance to our minds. But we don’t have to throw open the door, serve them tea and crumpets, and then tell them where the silverware is kept! Throw the rascals out! Replace lewd thoughts with hopeful images and joyful memories; picture the faces of those who love you…Whatever thoughts you have, make sure they are welcome in your heart by invitation only.” (Holland, Jeffrey R. (April 2010). “Place No More for the Enemy of My Soul.”)
Is there a thought about a family member or a circumstance in your life or about yourself that just pulls you down? Challenge it! When I was in therapy several years ago, my therapist told me to think of my mind as a conveyor belt. Thoughts will come, and as long as we don’t pick them up and ruminate on them, they will leave. They will just fall of the conveyor belt! We don’t have to invite them in. This is how we can always feast upon God’s love – because our minds are firm, and when we have thoughts that try to separate us from His love – which we all will – then we can let those thoughts have no weight in our minds and choose a better thought. Choose to believe that God loves you, and let your mind feast upon those thoughts – and you will be filled with His love.
Elder Uchtdorf said, “Everyone’s situation is different, and the details of each life are unique. Nevertheless, I have learned that there is something that would take away the bitterness that may come into our lives. There is one thing we can do to make life sweeter, more joyful, even glorious. We can be grateful! It might sound contrary to the wisdom of the world to suggest that one who is burdened with sorrow should give thanks to God. But those who set aside the bottle of bitterness and lift instead the goblet of gratitude can find a purifying drink of healing, peace, and understanding.” (Uchtdorf, Dieter F., “Grateful in Any Circumstances,” April 2014 General Conference) How do we set aside the bottle of bitterness? We let go of the bitter thoughts. How do we lift the goblet of gratitude? It all starts in our thoughts! Think thoughts of gratitude. Start small if you have to, but choose those thoughts. You are in control of your mind! You get to choose which thoughts stay and which thoughts go.
When Joseph Smith was in dire circumstances (to say the least) in Liberty Jail, he wrote these words in a letter: “Dearly beloved brethren, let us cheerfully do all things that lie in our power…” (D&C 123:17). How could Joseph write that while he was in such bitter circumstances? Because God helped him to clear his mind and find the thoughts that would get him through that difficult time, as well as to inspire those who would read these words. In Doctrine and Covenants 8:2, the Lord says that the Holy Ghost tells us things in our minds and in our hearts. In the gospel doctrine teacher’s manual for the Doctrine and Covenants, it says, “Revelation comes as the Holy Ghost communicates thoughts to our minds and feelings in our hearts.” (“Lesson 6: ‘I Will Tell You in Your Mind and in Your Heart, by the Holy Ghost’” Doctrine and Covenants and Church History: Gospel Doctrine Teacher’s Manual (1999), 29–34). So much of the revelation we receive starts with a thought, even just the smallest thought. If we can hold onto it and nurture it and let it grow, it can strengthen our minds and hearts.
We truly can cheerfully do all things that lie in our power by choosing thoughts that are joyful. It may be a simple answer, but it is definitely not easy to do. I am constantly working on it and trying to be more aware of the thoughts that I am choosing to hold onto. But the past few years, as I have been developing awareness and learning to choose my thoughts and manage my mind more carefully, I have experienced much greater joy. I have been able to be cheerful and happy even when things around me seemed to be falling apart. Not always, but there have been a few times, and it truly showed me the power of my thoughts. Also, I want to add a disclaimer that I am NOT saying that we SHOULD be happy in every circumstance because I think that all the human emotions are important for us to feel. I am firmly against toxic positivity, and I think we need to be good at feeling sadness and anger and grief rather than always resisting them. I just want to emphasize that we CAN choose thoughts of happiness and gratitude in any circumstance. I love to remember the story of Lehi’s family – how they all went through the same circumstances, but they all came out with different outlooks. It just goes to show that our thoughts determine how we feel, and Nephi and Sam chose to believe thoughts of faith, hope, gratitude, and love, while Laman and Lemuel chose thoughts of anger, jealousy, and hatred.
Elder Uchtdorf said, “Being grateful in our circumstances is an act of faith in God….How blessed we are if we recognize God’s handiwork in the marvelous tapestry of life. Gratitude to our Father in Heaven broadens our perception and clears our vision. It inspires humility and fosters empathy toward our fellowmen and all of God’s creation. Gratitude is a catalyst to all Christlike attributes! A thankful heart is the parent of all virtues.” (Uchtdorf, 2014). Choosing thoughts that lead to gratitude is an act of faith. Choosing to nurture thoughts of faith, hope, love, and gratitude all lead us to becoming more like the Savior and to being able to be grateful and cheerful in any circumstance. I truly believe that this is how the Savior got through all the things He did while on the earth – by choosing and creating thoughts in His mind that invited the Holy Ghost so that He could be strengthened and He could endure all things without ever losing faith, hope, or charity. And I know that, through lots of practice and trial and error, we can do the same.
two wolves
We do not have to let our circumstances define how we are feeling. Our circumstances do not control us in any way – only we can control ourselves. We can learn to manage our minds so that they are firm and steadfast and immovable. We can choose to let go of thoughts that lead us into negativity or darkness and away from God. We can choose to nurture thoughts of love and kindness and faith. I love the tale of the two wolves, and I don’t remember where exactly I heard it, but the very short summary of it is that there are two wolves inside each of us. One is darkness and despair, the other is light and hope. They are constantly fighting one another, and in the story a grandson asks his grandfather, “Which wolf wins?” And the grandfather answers and says, “Whichever one you feed.” That is exactly how our minds work. Whichever thoughts you feed are the ones that will stay and make a home, quite literally in your neural pathways actually, and they will eventually become your brain’s default thoughts. We must choose wisely which thoughts we feed. I know I have so much work still to do in managing my mind, but even as I make the smallest changes, I feel my mind and mental health become more stable and strong.
Alright, I hope all of that made sense to you guys and that you will give it a try. It has made such a huge difference in my life. If you have any feedback or questions or just want to talk about it, please shoot me an email at [email protected] or find me on instagram @women.whoknow because I love talking about these kinds of things. I hope you all have a fabulous day, and I will talk to you next week!
